Updated September 2026. Written and reviewed by the Lily Hospice clinical team.
You do not have to cancel the holidays when someone you love is dying. Most families make them smaller and bring them to wherever the person is: one favorite dish, familiar music, short visits, a video call. Plan the medical side with the hospice nurse, and remember hospice answers the phone on holidays too.
The calendar does not stop for illness. Thanksgiving comes, then Christmas, Hanukkah, New Year’s, Eid, Easter, a birthday, an anniversary. Families caring for someone on hospice often dread these days: the pressure to make it special, the fear it is the last one, the relatives arriving with opinions. This guide is about keeping what matters and letting the rest go, so the day fits the person you love instead of the other way around.
Shrink the holiday, don’t cancel it
The big version of the holiday, with twenty people, a full table and a long day, is usually too much for someone who is very ill. But skipping it entirely can feel like a loss of its own, for the patient and for everyone else. Many families find a middle path: a small version, held where the person is, for as long as they have energy.
That might mean dinner at the kitchen table for an hour instead of the dining room for four. It might mean a plate brought to the bedroom and everyone eating on their laps around the bed. It might mean gathering in the afternoon because mornings are when she sleeps. Smaller is not lesser. For many families it turns out to be the part they remember.
Decide what the day is for
Before planning anything, ask one question: what does this day need to be, for the person who is ill? If they can say, ask them. Some want the grandchildren. Some want a particular song, prayer or food. Some want quiet and no fuss. Some want to talk about the old holidays. Some want to feel normal, and not be the center of attention at all.
Then pick one or two things and protect those. Everything else is optional. A useful sentence for relatives: “We are keeping it small this year, so Dad has the energy for what matters to him.”
Bring the holiday to the bed
If your loved one cannot come to the celebration, bring the celebration to them. Ideas families use:
- Smells. Cinnamon, a turkey in the oven, pine, coffee, incense from the church. Smell can carry memory when other senses are fading.
- Music. The carols, hymns or songs from their childhood. MedlinePlus suggests playing soft music the person likes near the end of life (MedlinePlus).
- One dish. Not the whole feast. The pie, the stuffing, the soup only she used to make, even if they can only smell it or have a taste.
- Decorations within sight. A small tree, lights on the window, a menorah, cards taped where they can see them from the bed.
- Grandchildren for 20 minutes. Short, cheerful, planned visits are often better than a whole afternoon.
- Photos and stories. Pull out the old albums. Ask about the holidays of their childhood, and record the answers if they are willing.
- Rituals. Grace, a blessing, lighting a candle, reading the same passage every year.
- Video calls for relatives who cannot be there, scheduled when your loved one is usually most awake.
Plan the medical side with the nurse
A little planning before the holiday prevents most of the stress on the day. At the visit before the holiday, ask the hospice nurse:
- Visit timing. Will there be a visit on or near the holiday, and when? Can it land before guests arrive, so your loved one is comfortable and clean?
- Medications on hand. Pharmacies often close early or entirely on holidays. Check that scheduled medicines and the comfort kit are stocked through the long weekend, and ask the nurse to arrange refills ahead of time.
- Energy. Is there anything that can help your loved one be more comfortable for a few hours with visitors, such as timing a pain medicine or a rest beforehand?
- Food and drink. If swallowing has changed, ask what is safe: a taste of pie, a sip of eggnog, a glass of wine. Some medicines should not be mixed with alcohol, so ask before assuming.
- Plan B. What to do if they are tired, in pain, or overwhelmed partway through the day.
Hospice does not close for the holidays. At Lily, a real person answers the phone on Thanksgiving night and Christmas morning, the same as any other night, and a nurse can come if needed. Who answers when you call at night.
Respite, so the caregiver can go to one thing
If you are the main caregiver, you may be missing the holiday concert, a child’s party, church services or your own family’s dinner. Hospice includes respite care for this reason. Medicare’s hospice benefit covers inpatient respite care in an approved facility, such as a hospice inpatient facility, hospital or nursing home, for up to five days at a time, on an occasional basis; there may be a small copay (Medicare Hospice Benefits booklet).
If you want respite around a holiday, ask the social worker or nurse early, because it takes some planning. For a few hours rather than a few days, ask about a hospice volunteer or a family rotation. Hospice respite care, explained.
When the family is spread out
Holidays are often when relatives from out of town finally arrive, and when they see for the first time how much has changed. A few things help:
- Prepare them. Before they walk in, tell them what they will see: weight loss, sleeping most of the day, oxygen, a hospital bed, confusion. It spares everyone a shocked face at the door.
- Stagger visits. A steady stream of short visits is usually easier than a crowd.
- Name a point person who shares updates, so the patient and main caregiver are not repeating the news all day.
- Ask for help, not just company. Visiting relatives can take a night shift, cook, or sit with your loved one while you sleep.
- Should they travel to him, or should everyone come here? Moving a very ill person is usually harder on them than a car trip for the family. Ask the nurse before planning any travel for the patient.
The empty chair
For some families, the person on hospice cannot join the table at all this year. For others, someone has already died, and this is the first holiday without them. Either way, the absence is felt. Some families set a place, light a candle, say a name during grace, cook that person’s dish, or share one story each. Others prefer to change the routine completely, because the old one hurts too much. Both are fine.
If grief is already here, even before a death, you are not imagining it. Anticipatory grief explains why, and our directory of metro Detroit grief support groups lists groups across Oakland, Macomb and Wayne counties.
If it might be the last one
Many families quietly know this holiday may be the last. That knowledge can make everyone try too hard. It helps to aim for real moments rather than a perfect day. Say what you want to say. What to say to a dying parent may help. Take photos, if your loved one is comfortable with that. Record a voice. Let them hold the baby.
Sometimes a person cannot travel to the place that meant the most to them. Lily’s Journey Program is one example of bringing a place to the bedside: virtual reality headsets can let a patient revisit a childhood home, see a favorite city, or share an experience with family, whatever their physical limits. Ask the team whether it is a good fit.
And if your loved one is too tired for any of it, being there is still the holiday.
When to call the hospice nurse
If your loved one is on hospice, call the hospice line, not 911, if something changes during the holiday: pain that is not controlled, new shortness of breath, confusion or restlessness, a fall, vomiting, no urine for many hours, or any change that worries you. Do not wait until after dinner or until the next business day. The phone is answered on holidays, and a nurse can come to the house. If you think death may be close, call so the nurse can tell you what they see and help the family gather. Signs death is near describes common changes.
If your loved one is not on hospice, call their doctor, or call Lily to talk it through. Families sometimes put off the conversation until “after the holidays.” If the holidays are when you are noticing how much has changed, that may be the time to ask. Hospice can often start quickly; how fast hospice can start.
Common questions
Should we tell the grandchildren it may be Grandpa’s last Christmas?
Children usually cope better with honest, simple words than with secrets. You might say Grandpa is very sick and the doctors cannot make him better, so this is a special time to be with him. The hospice social worker can help with words for a child’s age.
Can he have a glass of wine or a bite of pie?
Often small tastes are fine, and they can mean a lot. But swallowing changes and some medications do not mix with alcohol, so ask the hospice nurse first.
Can hospice visit on Christmas Day or Thanksgiving?
Hospice care continues on holidays. The phone is answered around the clock, and a nurse can visit if needed. Ask ahead about the schedule for routine visits that week.
What if he dies on the holiday?
Some families worry the day will be ruined forever. Many later find the date becomes a day to remember the person, not only the death. If it happens, call the hospice line, not 911. The nurse comes, and the team helps with the next steps. What to do when someone dies at home in Michigan.
Should we travel to her, or bring the family to her?
Usually bring the family to her. Travel is often hard on someone who is very ill. Ask the nurse before making plans that involve moving the patient.
A relative says hospice means we are giving up. What do we say?
Hospice means focusing on comfort and time together, with a team to help. It is not giving up on the person. Does hospice mean giving up? can help that conversation.
Can I get a break to attend a holiday event?
Yes. Medicare’s hospice benefit includes respite care of up to five days at a time in an approved facility. Volunteers and family rotations can cover shorter breaks. Ask early.
What if the day just doesn’t feel like a holiday?
That is normal. You are not required to feel festive. A quiet day by the bed, with a candle and one song, still counts.
Hospice isn’t giving up. It’s showing up. If you are in Oakland, Macomb or Wayne County, call (248) 955-5100. A real person answers, 24 hours a day.
